PAS: Two Sides of the Same Storm

Rain

When SD (step-daughter) was one, her parents divorced. Because SD didn’t talk, BM (biological mom) didn’t start using her as a weapon right away, focusing instead on denying DH his court-ordered parenting time. When SD was four, the alienation attempts began. She began by telling SD that she (BM) cried all the time when SD was with DH and other gems that put a great amount of pressure on SD while at DH’s house.

Then she pulled out the big guns and said that DH might not be SD’s real father and they’d have to go for paternity testing. SD told DH’s mom that she’d hate any doctor who told her that her daddy wasn’t her real daddy. Shortly after, BM got her husband to petition the court to adopt SD and BM said that DH would be willing to terminate his parental rights. She had SD interviewed about being adopted without DH’s knowledge/permission. DH took BM to court and got primary custody.

BM’s excuse for telling SD all this? She, the four/five year old child deserved to know “the truth.” This loss of sole custody certainly did not teach BM a lesson. Indeed when she went home from court, she told SD that it was all SD’s fault that BM lost custody and that SD was not allowed to speak of BM/BM’s house ever to DH or any of us. SD is now eleven. Over the years BM has let SD know that we take rotten care of SD, that we are bad people, that we practice witchcraft (aka: trick-or-treating), that they are her real family and we’ve taken her away from them. Nothing has changed, and based on the last ten years my prediction is nothing will change.



Sunshine

DH always has put SD first. Her well-being, mental and physical, has always been a priority. He walked away from BM without any bitterness and even though she’s used his daughter to attack him, he’s able to not let her get to him. Because of his great attitude, the alienation has never taken hold of SD. She trusts DH implicitly because he’s never used her, never lied to her, never spoken poorly of her mother. While alienation has not affected DH’s relationship with SD, it has affected the relationship between BM and SD. SD cannot trust her own mother. It’s like the old “I’m rubber you’re glue...” saying. BM targeted DH, but he’s the rubber by not participating or retaliating.


~A Mom in CA

Subscribe In a Reader or by Email