PAS: It's Not Just Dads That Are Affected

I did not realize there was a name for what I have gone through for the last five years. It is no longer just dad's that are affected by revengeful and controlling ex spouses. So many mothers are now finding themselves without the child or children that they gave birth to. In most cases there is no warrant for the separation.

As with my case, raising my daughter for 10 years before going to live with her dad was always difficult. From the threats I received from my ex, I new that it was just a matter of time before he would strike. My daughter was 13 when it happened. When you hear that children choose to live with one parent over the other the first question that one often thinks of is, what did that parent do? We don't have to do anything. I was unable to discipline my daughter. What rules applied at my home did not carry over to his. She was witness to countless verbal and mental abuses towards me. I was told my family and I were from the wrong side of the tracks, we were white trash, we are referred to as "you people", and he always told her I was crazy. When these words are instilled into a child continually, they begin to believe what they hear even if they know it is the farthest from the truth.

Can you imagine hearing those words continually?

Why would you want to be a part of that family?

The sad part about it is, if the parent feels this way, they are saying it about their own child. When my daughter went to live with her dad and his family she was introduced to a lifestyle I could not provide her with. From the moment she left I was told that she did not wish to see or speak to me. If a visit was planned something was always thrown at me if I don't get this then I'm not going with you. Because of age, these kids are told they can make their own decisions. It is a mind game that is played and the child doesn't even realize it. They know if they go with the other parent for visits, it will anger the one they live with. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to have a relationship with my daughter since she left. Nothing has worked. The courts told her she needed to have a relationship with me but they can not force it to happen. Counseling and the Conciliation Court Mediator didn't work either. There is no court order keeping me from my daughter. Believe me, if there was a reason my ex would have that court order. When separation like this happens, especially at the teenage years, and both parents do not work together and support visitation, the alienation begins.

In the past five years my ex husband has decided to change his last name and of course that included our daughter as well. I know it's just a name but she is no longer the same person on her birth certificate. I tried to fight this name change but the courts didn't see my side of things. She was 14, and she wanted it. Three years ago he moved our daughter 1200 miles away due to his wife's employment. I saw my daughter twice in the first 6 months after she moved. In July it will be 2 years since our last visit.

Recently, I traveled with two friends to the town where she now lives. I wanted to see where she worked, played, and went to school. I tried to have a meeting with her school to discuss her upcoming High School Graduation. My request was denied. They did not want to get in the middle of a domestic problem. I was told that unless I receive a ticket to the graduation from my daughter I will not be allowed to attend. I can purchase a video though. Upon my request for the meeting with the school staff I gave them the contact name with the Conciliation Court to verify my information. They refused to use it.

I have hit so many road blocks I have somewhat given up my quest to stay in her life. I have received emails from my ex husband and his spouse accusing me of stalking our daughter while I was in their town even though I tried to contact her only during my visit and left without seeing her. They have told me that the diamond necklace I sent for my daughter's 18th birthday was a joke and that it is sad when I don't even know what she likes. They state that this is what I deserve for my miserable existence. I feel I can no longer try to call her when I just get hung up on and I am told my emails are blocked. I feel sorry for my 7 year old son that I have with my current husband. He doesn't understand why his sister is no longer around and wants nothing to do with our family. All of this has set a bad example for him. Why should he listen to us if his sister doesn't have to?

I apologize for the length of this letter. I feel if I tell a portion of my story that it might help you understand why this is such an important fight. This is the first time I have contacted anyone to have this message sent out. Not a day goes by that I do not think of my daughter and wonder what she is doing.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this. Awareness is the Key!

~M.......

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