PAS: It's Not As Bad As It Was... But Still

As a non-custodial parent, it was tough managing my time with the children in the aftermath of a divorce with my own PEW.

I can still remember the first summer when I had my 2 children for what was to be half of the summer. It was a week-on and a week-off. Things were highly contentious and my ex-wife was not happy about relinquishing custody of the children to me. Apparently a week away from mom was going to traumatize the children. Somehow, no one thinks that a week, or two weeks, or a month away from dad is going to cause any trauma.

By the way, God Bless you every-other-weekend dads who simply want more time with your children. It's an adjustment I wouldn't wish on any caring parent.

That first summer was brutal because she would call every single night. Due to some nasty circumstances and for the protection of both my kids and myself, I would listen and record the conversations. She would seem to regress to a childlike whine and act like a long-lost girlfriend. Crying about how much she missed them and she wishes that they didn't have to go with me for "so long." She couldn't wait for them to come home so she could touch them and hold them. She would tell them that she would take me to court so that they didn't "have to" spend time with me. With few exceptions, both children would be inconsolable by the end of the conversation and then I would have to try to wind them down and tell them everything was going to be okay. Still, not one cross word to them about their despicable mother.

She would then follow-up those phone calls with horrible emails denigrating me and blaming me for causing the trauma. She would deny saying the things I heard with my own ears and even had on tape! She would tell them to "beg daddy to come home early." She would buy them things and then tell them about them early in the week so that they would get all excited. What young child wouldn't be in a hurry to get home to the latest and greatest toy, animal, other creatures. I think it was a rare Wednesday I would reach without having one or both of the kids begging me to go home early.

It was the roughest summer of them all, and while they're still often manipulated by their mother, it just doesn't happen so often. They've matured and found that they actually do enjoy being with me and learning and doing things that aren't related to the television, computer games, or some other non-interactive activity.

Usually it's the non-custodial parent that's referred to as the "Disneyland" parent (usually Dad, of course). In my case, it's just the opposite. If not for my love and guidance - they would have NO discipline and NO responsiblity for much of anything. It's still a struggle.

Little victories. It's all about the little victories so work hard to overcome your own PAS experiences.

~Brian

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