PAS: Completely Severs Son From Father

First off, I LOVE your blog. I think it contains information that is invaluable to those of us who can most benefit from it: parents who must retain at least
some form of contact with an ex-spouse due to the minor children involved.

My situation is this:

My husband divorced his ex-wife 12 years ago, when their son was 5 years old. Up until last year, custody of their son was 50/50 with mother considered 'residential.' We have every reason to believe exwife (bm) is an undiagnosed BPD, and she is also an alcoholic with other substance abuse problems.

BM (biomom) has, ever since their separation prior to the divorce, used parental alienation on their son to such a degree that he was seriously distressed, at age 14, that he was told by BM he had to 'choose' which parent he wanted to live with. Of course, in reality (a concept that BM does NOT understand NOR accept) stepson faced no dilemma at all, since there was no reason for him to HAVE to 'choose' one parent over the other, since he already had 50% of both parents' time/energies. When I asked him why he felt he had to make this choice at all, it was like a lightbulb went off over his head... MOMENTARILY. For one brief, shining moment, he seemed to understand that no, he didn't HAVE TO make the choice to effectively eliminate one parent from his life. But then his face clouded over again, and I knew... I KNEW, that BM was behind this, and until he 'chose' HER over my husband, she would make his life a living hell, because in her eternal, self-created competition to be the 'favorite parent' she would stop at nothing to prove that SHE was the 'best' the 'winner.' And besides, she hates my husband more than she loves her own child, and that has never been more evident than in these past few years.

For over 12 years, my husband had done the best he can to minimize/mitigate the damage to his relationship with his son that BM has caused, but last year it reached a head. My stepson became SO consumed with supposed 'facts' that were drilled into his head by his BM but since those facts did not exist in reality, it became increasingly hard to dispute them, because then he became convinced that my husband was the one trying to deceive him. It was so surreal and exhausting, it made my head hurt to even try to think about it logically!

BM filed for full custody, alleging 'child abuse' on the part of my husband, with my stepson as her willing accomplice, fabricating lies, inventing stories, and spouting false 'facts' every step of the way. Child abuse charges were never filed (of course, they would never have been proven) nor investigated, but my then 16-year old stepson demanded that his mother be given full custody because he was 'scared' of his father, that my husband is 'mentally unbalanced' and needs 'anger management classes' and should seek 'professional help.' (All his mother's words....can you say 'Projection?!')

In reality, very few 16-year old boys get through their entire teenage years without at least a few disagreements with dad, and my stepson was no exception, except when dad didn't cave and allow him to have his way, indeed, insisted upon retaining the control of a PARENT in their relationship, that's when my stepson 'jumped ship' and fell hard for his BM's lies that my husband, as his father, didn't have any 'right' to tell him what to do... *shaking head*

As a condition for maintaining even a VISITING relationship with him, my stepson further demanded that my husband engage in weekly counseling with a licensed psychotherapist before he would even consider VISITING our household again. (My husband's response was: WTF?!?!?!)

That was the last straw. My husband voluntarily signed over full custody to BM, and stepson hasn't called or come over since (even though my husband had called him several times, seeking to maintain some semblance of connection, but BM was always supervising the phone calls.) My husband finally gave up trying to have conversations with a child who made it very clear that did NOT want to talk to him.

That was a year ago. It hurt him deeply to have to give up his entire relationship with his only child, but there was no way my husband would sacrifice his own self-respect in order to maintain a BM-controlled relationship with his son, and while I know it has to be painful, in his shoes, I would have made the same choice.

Of course, all the wonderful things that BM promised to my stepson if he helped her gain full custody have not materialized for him, as she frequently takes her new, heftier child support checks directly to her local dope dealer and her favorite bar. My stepson, I am certain, will never see a dime of that money that he paid dearly to help her gain.

Of course, BM didn't convince my stepson to help her get full custody for nothing. (She promised him all kinds of wonderful gifts that she would buy for him with her new, larger, child support checks if only he would 'help' her.) She and her new husband were going through some serious financial hardships, and for awhile, it looked like they were going to lose their house, until BM came up with the brilliant plan to get more money out of my husband by going after full custody. Any other reasonable person would have simply gotten a second job, but BM didn't want to have to cut into her partying time, besides, my stepson is old enough to leave at home alone for days at a time (and she frequently does.) Not for one minute was ANYONE deceived that BM pushed for full custody for anything BUT the increase in child support, except maybe my stepson, who seriously seems to be developing some BPD symptoms of his own.

I still have hope that once my stepson is grown and out on his own and away from his BM, and will have had the opportunity to gain some perspective, that he will 'come around' and he and my husband will be able to have a healthier, more stable relationship without inserting herself into the middle of it, but my husband is not that hopeful. In fact, he has become so bitter and resentful that I'm not sure, at this point, that my husband would consider even giving my stepson an honest chance at re-establishing a relationship.

Mothers who are abusive to their children have extraordinary power over them... to the point where the child will willingly tolerate the abuse because they have been conditioned to think of it as 'normal' and resist opportunities to get away from it. I think my stepson has put up with his mother's BPD behavior for so long that it appears 'normal' to him, and worse yet, it feels normal for him to ACT like her, too, using lies and manipulation to get what he wants instead of honesty and hard work.

Thanks,
Gypsy

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