The Psycho Ex Wife

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Of course, do I ever make the right choice? Is there a right choice when you’re dealing with a PEW?

By December of 2004, I had been taking between one and three college classes a semester. I started in 1995. In 10-years, folks… in 10-years, I had never missed or skipped a class.

12/4/2002 would be the first time. I was taking a computer programming class that had been extremely challenging. It didn’t help that we were working on a group project and as much trouble as I was having, I was the best in our group. I assure you that this isn’t saying very much.

I wasn’t ready for the night’s quiz, so I figured I’d blow it off, spend my evening reviewing, and then go up to the campus the following night to take the quiz. I had already spoken to my professor about the plan (absent the “I’m not really sick” part) and he was okay with it.

PEW: What time school?
LM: Probably 6:30ish, I could go later… till I finish failing the quiz. I’m afraid. I’d rather study up for a day or two and take it later. It was a very complex quiz.
PEW: great
LM:
PEW: you should have just went last night
LM: Actually, no I shouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have been ready. In fact, I have no shot at being ready barring a miracle.
PEW: so what difference does it make

What the hell does she care, right? Irresponsibility was never a big deal to her. Better I just go and fail than to burn the class and take the quiz when I’m feeling a little more prepared.

LM: I can put my nose in the book and try to figure something out.
PEW: when
LM: S1’s appt still on for tomorrow?
PEW: yes
LM: k
PEW: i think it’s weird that the guy thinks that you can just run up there with no notice….. and I think it’s weird that you just stayed home last night without talking to him first
LM: He’s a PC geek that is full of his rhetoric about operating systems. I think you’re looking to pick a fight and you better drop it quickly. How about you let me worry about my class?

Dude! Wake up, she’s on the war-path! Looking back on this one, it ranks right up there with the money-stealing story in its absurdity.

PEW: i’ll drop it allright…..
LM: Thank you.
PEW: shut up. i think you’re up to something
LM: You know, PEW… I love how you ask me to leave you alone when you get PMS. Then, when I do, you find ways to poke at me. So then you can blame me for “being an ass” to you. Why all of a sudden are you concerned about me wanting to blow off a class? We are working on a project.
PEW: yeah…this is how you leave me alone….you don’t go to school last night when my mom is here to help out…..
LM: Good bye. Leave me alone, please.
PEW: but you’ll go up there tonight when I haven’t been out of the house for 4 days

Classically honed victimhood skills, developed over a lifetime. It’s amazing to me that on the 5th-night, when I have something to tend to, it’s about her not being out of the house for 4 straight nights. Too bad I didn’t think to ask her what stopped her from “going out” the prior 4-nights, not that it would have helped.

LM: Call your sister or someone else to fight with.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Okay? Thank you.
PEW: fuck you. fuck you
LM: Why are you making a fight out of me not going to class?
PEW: you sure you don’t want to tell me more about your brother’s game the other night
LM: And what would I tell you?
PEW: God….you are so self centered
LM: Just come out and accuse me, and get it over with? Drugs?
PEW: I don’t know….more about the plays

I see! Two of my brothers played in an organized flag-football league. I managed to actually get to a game to watch them play. It was a lot of fun and I got to see the both of them make some very exciting, athletic plays. We all admired everyone’s abilities, regularly rooted for one another, and were often excited to tell some tales. Apparently, my excitement saw me tell her about the experience and this was an imposition on her. The master at scuttling pretty much anything, but especially anything not about her, was at it again.

LM: Another woman?
PEW: I don’t know and I don’t really care. it would be her problem then wouldn’t it
LM: Are you mad that I talked about their game? Sorry if I get some childish excitement out of watching my brothers play football. I won’t burden you with that excitement in the future, I promise.
PEW: you are so selfish
LM: Why?
PEW: it’s so funny…..you tell me to go fight with my sister or something…… you’re the asshole who’s been fighting with anyone and everyone
LM: Why am I self
ish?
PEW: honestly
LM: Because I went to see my brothers play football? Because I blew off class?
PEW: because you didn’t stay home last night because the boys were sick… yeah….ok
LM: Yeah, I guess that was selfish, using them as an excuse to stay home.
PEW: yeah
LM: Sorry about that.
PEW: i’m really getting tired of your bullshit. tired
LM: What bullshit?
PEW: just the bullshit
LM: Why does it bother you that I blew off class?
PEW: because now all the sudden you have to go tongiht
LM: I told him that I don’t think I can make it tonight.
PEW: good because you can’t. i’m going out. you went out monday….. you’ll probably go out Friday. i’m going out tonight. I cancelled my freaking trip Saturday because I didn’t want to leave you with the kids for 2-1/2 days. I really wish you wouldn’t come home for lunch either. you’re just annoying

PEW was a classic “tit-for-tat” personality. She was one who kept score - and she did so even when it didn’t matter. I never stopped her from going out, seeing her friends, making plans, wanting some getaway time… never. Still, she always played victim to the hilt. The problem was, she was about as anti-social as they came. Her history was that she would need to get blind-drunk to “have a good time.” Looking back, it was to cope with a social setting. Fortunately for her (health and well-being and that of the children), after S1 was born, she would get violently ill if she had more than 2-drinks. I can’t explain why, it just was.

She would have 2 or 3 get-aways planned for the her parents’ mountain retreat with her girlfriends. Usually, she would bail at the last minute for no particular reason (and ultimately blame me). This was one of those times. I have no idea why she undid the plans she had with everyone, but she did. She wasn’t doing me any favors. I guess the fun of tormenting me was a more attractive proposition than going up the mountains with her pretend friends to just drink herself into a stupor again.

The PEW would often leave me in an embarrassing lurch. I remind you of this in the event you hadn’t realized it to this point. The holiday season of 2002 wasn’t unlike any other holiday season. There was one exception. With all of my siblings now married, engaged, or otherwise involved with someone, Christmas was one holiday that we didn’t alternate. Christmas festivities were held at our house on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, we would all scatter to our respective partner’s family households.

This year, PEW decided she wanted to change things up under the interesting and admirable notion that the children were only young once and she preferred that we really just focus on them and not this big entertaining gig. At the time, I didn’t realize that this meant not having a celebration with my family but retaining the celebration with her family, but then, I made a lot of really stupid choices didn’t I? Of course, I also didn’t realize a thing about borderline personality disorder and isolating one from their family and friends is on their menu of relationship destruction.

The opening of this particular example I believe was rooted in her desire to attempt to adopt one of the troubled children who was a client where she worked. That is another horrible debacle in and of itself… story for another day. The question came out of nowhere. (11/22/2002)

PEW: do you think that you could love a child that is not your blood like he or she was your own
LM: I have no clue. I have to believe yes. The only thing one can’t do, is lie in bed like I did last night… I was on your side of the bed… He was awake, watching Charlie Brown… And I was just staring at how perfect his face was. And how stunningly beautiful our boys are. And how amazing it was that he is mine. And trying to picture his face 5, 10, and 15 years from now. There is a deep deep connection there that I believe can only be had with your own. But I’m sure that I can love any child right up to that point. Which is a lot, from my perspective.
PEW: Awwww that’s so sweet. I agree
LM: I was just studying him. I do that a lot. Even when he is talking right to me.
PEW: you have such a way with words
LM: His facial expressions… everything. I just want to notice all of it. And remember all of it.
PEW: they are so cute. the only reason I asked is because there are so many people in this world….who can’t even love their own children. it’s so sad. not like we love our children

REALLY?!?!

LM: We need to talk aboiut Xmas eve. Dad & C…. won’t be around for a Saturday event.
PEW: what do you want to talk about
LM: What we want to do. I actually had visions of us having people over but we baked a lotta cookies, had some wine and stuff, and then at some pre-determined time, we all sit down upstairs… and read Christmas stories. EVERYONE. Kids and Adults. We pick out like a dozen stories and everyone takes turns reading one. But then I thought people are gonna think that’s dumb and not want to do it.

It’s clear I had given this some thought and had some ideas that would meet the criteria for focusing on the children in some sort of fun way. I did truly think it would be a nice change from having a party where the adults did their usual thing and the kids did their usual thing and do something a little more involved.

PEW: well…..if you want to do something….it has to be completely centered around the kids. or I don’t want to do it
LM: What do you think of the above? The stories and stuff?
PEW: I think that’s a great idea. i really don’t care if people think it’s dumb
LM: lol. No big dinner thing. Not even pizza. Just like wine and cheese.
PEW: i have about 5 years only of this fun stuff….until some kid at their school tells them there’s no santa
LM: Bake cookies. Dogs downstairs. I think we could do that and have everyone OUT by 10 at the absolute latest.
PEW: sooner than 10 would be much better for me

Of course, it’s all about her. If it was her family, a sleep-over would be okay, though. How about this, PEW, why don’t we just ask my family to drive-by, we’ll have the children in the window and they can wave at each other for Christmas. Would that be quick enough for ya?

LM: I know… I’m thinking WORST case scenario. Think about it…
PEW: we also need to think of activities for the kids. books will only keep them busy so long
LM: We’ll talk more later, find out if we REALLY BELIEVE it would be doable.
PEW: but you and MJM aren’t going to stay up till 2am playing sega right?
LM: Right. We can do that on the weekend or something.

This became sort of an annual tradition. My brothers and I would drag out the old video game systems like Intellivision or Atari 2600. After the kids were in bed, we would all hang out down in the rec-room and play these ancients of the videogame genre and laugh our asses off at some of the memories. (For the record, we were partial to Intellivision. Atari was awful by comparison.)

PEW: and the four of us will spend quiet family time together right?
LM: Right. Again, I have my doubts that we can pull of my above described plan. Just wanted to toss it out there. Just keep in mind… With my family spread out all over the Eastern Seaboard… I’m not totally thrilled with chopping our get together out, but agree with settling things down to enjoy the kids build-up to Christmas.
PEW: I wasn’t chopping your get together out. we were post poning it till the weekend. we are going to go to dinner with your Dad the day before
LM: I understand that, but my father is up the first-half of the week, not the last half.
PEW: we’re having thanksgiving with your family. so I never said your dad and c….. couldn’t come over on christmas eve
LM: I know I know.
PEW: i just want to spend time with my boys. don’t get me started
LM: Why do you have to get all spazzy? Cripes. Sorry I said anything.

I would have much preferred to do what we usually did. Forgive me for expressing mild disappointment at the change, but again - I was more than willing to give it a whirl. Also, we spent every Christmas Day (unfortunately) with her crazy-assed family. Why she brings up Thanksgiving I don’t know because we always alternated that and it really has no bearing on what we usually did at Christmas.

PEW: because you’re like…i’m not totally thrilled about chopping our get together out. I made a simple request. Simple. maybe if every year you didn’t wind up playing video games and getting drunk I wouldn’t have a problem with it
LM: Excuse me?
PEW: excuse me?
LM: Getting drunk? Last year, the running joke was that I wouldn’t play with those guys.
PEW: ummm yeah
LM: I watched a little bit… but played none. And I’ve never EVER “gotten drunk.” EVER.
PEW: bullshit
LM: You know what… stop. I can’t stand when you do this.
PEW: you stop. it’s always about you
LM: You make up shit. Just to start a war.
PEW: it’s not my fault your Dad lives in [another state]
LM: And I’m sick of it. I NEVER SAID IT WAS! Stop getting so nuts. I’m sorry if it “hurts you” that I like to have the family get together like that. But don’t go accusing me of “playing video games and getting drunk” Cuz that is a frigging lie.
PEW: I asked nicely if we could not do major entertaining on christmas eve…..can we do it on the weekend….
LM: Shut up!
PEW: but that’s too much to ask. don’t tell me to shut up
LM: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT EXPRESS MILD DISAPPOINTEMENT AT THE CHANGE AND YOU ARE SPAZZING
PEW: well……i thought this subject was closed
LM: You owe me an apology for the drunk comment. Until then, I’m not speaking to you. I’ve had enough of your shit. Thanks for nothing.

An uncanny ability to button-push. I, of course, would let it affect me. She could just toss out any old made up accusation and I would still get defensive, as if it mattered. The drunk comment is complete fiction. It just never happened any Christmas. Ever. Yet, all she had to do was accuse it and I would respond.

Had I only learned about low-contact earlier than 2005.

JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH-BELLS RING-A-LING, TING-TING-TING-A-LING, TOOOOOOO!

LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER SEASON OF MISERY AND MAYHEM WITH PEWWWWWWW…

Thank you:

- To all of you who have seen fit to take a moment to share your past experiences, your present experiences, and your fears of future experiences involving parental alientation. We know it’s very difficult and certainly your stories are the tip of the iceberg. To those who may not see their stories today, it’s no slight, expect that you will see them in the future.

- To all of those who cruise by to read and contribute to the site. The feedback (both positive and even negative) is welcomed and almost entirely meaningful.

- To DW for all of her help with this effort.

- To work, for not catching me clicking over to upload a new story every 15-minutes.

I’m worn out. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to keep up with the 15-minute intervals, even with a fair amount of preparation. (Of course, it *is* a work-day!) I hope that everyone who is reading here today and in the future gains something from the personal experiences shared by those who sent in emails. We’ll continue to shine a spotlight on this and other issues as we continue on this path.

Wishing everyone experiencing such trials and tribulations the most positive outcome.

Sincerely,
LM & DW

I’m not even officially divorced yet. I’m afraid that my STBX (soon-to-be-ex) is turning my kids against me and making them think I don’t love them. The custody battle is very high conflict and I have no doubts that the children would be better off if they were with me primarily.

My daughter is 7, and my son is 10. Not only does my wife have a new boyfriend - he has already moved into the house that I built for our family! The new(est) lover is taking my kids to their sports games and other activities and my children ignore me when I’m there. I strongly believe that it’s because that they are afraid to upset their mother. I certainly don’t want to cause a scene in a public place (or any place for that matter), but she’s already threatening to file abuse charges against me and get a restraining order. She even mocks me that doing so is actually “way easier” that what we’re going through now. She KNOWS the system is set-up to very easily push me out of the children’s lives for an indefinite period of time.

On top of all of that, whenever I call, she’s always making some excuse for the kids not to come to the phone. If they’re in the tub, they’re watching TV, or sleeping, or out playing “somewhere.” I’m really worried that they’re being brainwashed against me. I’ve read about the Parental Alienation Syndrome, and I think it may be going on. I want what is best for my kids, and I really fear that I am already losing them!

What can a dad do?

~GZ

I have been separated now for about a year from my ex. Let me take you back one year from now…

We argued on just about everything, from what we wanted from each other to what we needed for our kids. We attended couples counselling, parenting classes and was even dealing with child and family services. The problem with child and family services was the fact that our worker had the stereotypical view of her being the vicim and me being the “bad guy”. This went on for about two months. The bickering about not needing a $700 stroller and $200 on pictures while I’m borrowing money off my boss to pay rent. Yadda Yadda.

On Thursday June 7, I came home from work as usual and found no one to be at home. I had first thought that maybe they were out shopping or something. Later on that night I became worried and called a couple of friends. I found out that she had left to live with another guy, who apparently was just a friend giving her a place to stay. The following day I took off from work to talk with her. We came to an agreement for child support and parenting times. I would pay her on the 15th of every month starting that June and the kids would live with me every weekend starting that particular weekend. This went on for a month, as well as the bickering every Friday and Sunday.

In July, about 3 hours after I got home from work, two peace officers served me with an EPO (emergency protection order aka restraining order) and an ex-parte interim parenting order. The previous weekend to that, I had the kids and her first born that she was baby sitting for the weekend (my ex’s parents adopted her). She had asked if I could watch her as well because she and her live in “friend” wanted to go to a concert at the Stampede. I then had to find a lawyer.

Legal aid turned me away so I was stuck paying full price for legal representation. After about 3 or 4 court appearances and 6 weeks, I was granted supervised access, by anyone, not less than 3 hours a visit and not less than twice per week. And that’s all she would give me. The only problem with that was half of the supervisors were her good friends. Nothing but bad reports.

My sister was getting married in August and our daughter was supposed to be a flower girl. My ex would have nothing to do with it and made sure that our kids could not attend. Later on it was asked by the courts why this happened and she had said that “(he) could’ve taken the kids with (him) but (he) never asked.” I had asked about 6 times prior to me leaving for BC.

In September, we had another court appearance and I was then granted both supervised and unsupervised public access. This whole time, every visit was tough because both me and the kids would be crying, yes I was crying, when the visit was over. They would be saying things like “no, not see mommy, see daddy” and “stay at daddy’s house, no see mommy, stay with daddy” and so on. After the last episode of supervisors, I found someone who was neutral in the whole situation. She supervised all the nessessary supervised visits after that.

At the end of October we had our first trial date for custody. I wasn’t expecting to have my name ran through the mud as much as she had done. I was everything from a child abuser to a spouse abuser to an alcoholic to you name it. To clarify things, I hardly ever drink, I have never abused my children in any, way shape or form, and I never once abused my ex in any way. But, as it would happen, only her side was presented that day. The judge felt like he couldn’t make any decisions on parenting time so my kids and I were stuck only seeing 5 hours of each other each week. More time was allowed by courts but that was the minimum. We were also ordered to go to mediation.

We had 3 mediation appointments. In each appointment she would say that I needed anger management class and she would not let me have anymore time with the kids unless I took a course. The mediator had said that he would make the determination if anyone needed anger management class. We had discussed many things such as parenting times and materialistic things she left at my place and debts that we left each other. On all three things mentioned she had gotten very upset at the fact that I wouldn’t succumb to all her demands and stormed out of the appointment screaming “this s^*t is over!” I had only offered what I thought was fair (the mediator happened to agree with me on a few of the topics). Again, this whole time our kids are the ones who are losing the most. Our next trial date was in January, so I had asked if I could have the kids for some time on Christmas with them. My ex, again, wouldn’t allow it. And, again, said that she had offered me to have them for some time but I never accepted.

The day before our next trial date I sat down with my lawyer and disscussed many different aspects of our trial. We could stoop to her level and smear her all over the court and present very incriminating evidence, which would have felt great, or we could make her an offer that would benefit the kids the most. And much cheaper, no lawyer fee on a whole day (approx $2500). The offer was that for January and February, one weekend Saturday morning to Sunday night, and every second weekend was a full weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. Specific dates and times for those two months, and after that full weekends, extended on long weekends.

To my surprise, she agreed. A week later she was already trying to change the agreement. She wanted the kids for a whole weekend for a birthday party that had been planned spur of the moment. I would have been more than happy to give her the kids for the party if it wasn’t for the fact that she wanted the whole weekend and I already had plans for another b-day party that was planned months in advance. As well the dates and times were stated and agreed to the previous week.

Again in March, our sons birthday was coming up and my sisters and their kids were coming out for the party I had planned. My ex knew that they were coming that specific weekend and my kids hadn’t seen their aunties or cousins in over 4 months. They had come here to visit during the time of unsupervised visits, after the first trial date. Our sons birthday was in the middle of the week. When she had asked for the Sunday following his birthday, of which my sisters were her, I had said “no, my sisters are coming out, you know that. I will give you the Sunday prior to his birthday if you would like.” That never happened, it wasn’t what she wanted.

Since then she has stated that she will be going to work soon and wants to change our final and consenting parenting order. At this point our kids live with her Sunday night to Friday night, and with me Friday night to Sunday night. She is suggesting that the weekends be shared. In other words I get every other weekend. She says that because she will be going to work that her parenting time is getting drastically reduced and she feels like the parenting time wouldn’t be fair. (If you figure out the math, we get equal parenting time if she starts working).

Thats my situation so far.

As a side note, my children’s developments throughout this whole separation have been slowed. Because of the issues between their mother and I and our parenting styles, our children have been developing very slow. I guess what this has to do with alienation is because one parent has been keeping them from the other it has caused our children to be slower in their development and very dependent on one parent or the other. I say this because every weekend my kids are such daddy kids. Daddy’s girl and daddy’s boy, such a wonderful handful!

~Ryan P.