Laying Out My Suspicions in a 2002 Letter
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3-days after the instant-message discussion detailed in the Christmas 2001 Ejection post, I had given her a typewritten letter with the header “Emotional Problems.” On the advice of the counselor we had seen earlier the prior year, since we couldn’t talk to one another about issues, we were to write them down. I allude to a letter from her which I apparently no longer have. I am curious as to its specific content, but it appears from my reply that addressed whatever it is she brought up. While it wasn’t the first time I had suggested that she may have bipolar disorder, it would be the first (and I think only) time I laid out my case for exploring the possibility in such detail. This is from 1/6/2002.
It’s long. Forgive the rambling nature and any spelling issues. The only changes made below were to eliminate names and locations as appropriate. Admittedly, I broke it up into better paragraphs (if not perfect) to make it easier to read.
Emotional Problems:
My belief that you may have a condition that is similar to your brother/sister are based on the facts that the things I have experienced and witnessed are, with little question in my mind, parallel to the experiences we’ve seen with your siblings. I did not tell you this without giving it a great deal of thought. I didn’t tell you this to be malicious. I didn’t tell you this in an effort to “set you up” with the intention of taking the children from you, which brings me to my first symptom:
Paranoia:
I have been a party to your paranoia on several different occasions, the above being the most recent example.
Example #2 I can recall was a night not long ago when we were in “crisis,” when you came out of the bedroom and asked me “who were you on the phone with?” Repeatedly, I told you that I hadn’t even picked up the phone and you didn’t believe me. I told you to hit redial and see, which you wouldn’t do, and yet for 2-days, you still accused me of having been on the phone talking with somebody - via argument - despite having every opportunity in the world at the moment in question to see that I wasn’t on the phone with anybody.
Example #3 - The “invention.” Despite using my work bonus to help cultivate the idea, there was no appreciation. I support this endeavor 100%. When I tried to use my experience to offer ideas on how to enhance the plan, you became enraged. During what I recall as a week’s worth of argument from you, you accused me of things like “trying to steal the idea” — “trying to take all of the credit” — “trying to get all of the recognition.” You made these horrible accusations despite the fact that I had told family and friends (all of them) that this was your wonderful idea and we were really going to try and make it work. I got into trouble for trying to assist you and you told me to stop. Then, when I played the hands-off role, the entire summer went by and nothing was done on the project. You then started a few-days-long argument about how horrible I was for NOT helping you.
Example #4 - Accusations of being a druggie - which included (when you made your first accusation) regular use of marijuana, use of cocaine, and accusations of being an “alcoholic.” You made these accusations without justifying it with any classically accepted indications for what signs are of drug abuse. You brought home a drug test, which I took approximately 24-hours after first refusing, having refused because I was so angry at the allegation.
Example #5 - Accusing me of taking “masking agents” after I refused to take the test the previous night, despite the fact that I home all day, except for going to dinner with my brothers for a couple of hours. Those are just a few and while as dramatic as the experiences we’ve seen amongst others, still parallel the signs of those we know.
Example #6 - Your inability to accept the gift-certificate to the salon because you were paranoid about their “upscale” clientele and how you weren’t deserving and wouldn’t go there because people would “look at you” and similar strange excuses. There are other instances, too.
Wild highs and lows regarding your mood:
Gift-giving - embarrassingly, I truly cannot recall but maybe one gift-giving event that went without a fight from you. You don’t like: the engagement ring (despite the fact that you picked it out), started prolonged fight over the diamond anniversary band I got, last Christmas was ruined for weeks/months because rather than appreciate the fact that I got you everything that you wanted, I also got gift certificates for maternity massages at a facility that came with a recommendation from your obstetrician. Christmas was again a disaster, and you started several fights over the coming months about how “inconsiderate” it was of me to get you that gift as you didn’t feel you would want a stranger to massage you “in that condition.”
You started a fight with me on Valentine’s Day 2001 because I didn’t write you a poem, this, despite the fact that we weren’t in the best of situations after only a couple weeks earlier having a bad time during the January incident.
You started several fights which lasted for as long as a week when you wanted to be engaged. Despite knowing for months in my mind that I was going to ask for your hand in marriage on my birthday in 1996, you ruined New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and other days with no significance that year because I didn’t ask you when you wanted me to ask you. I can even recall telling you that I would tell you when I was going to ask for your hand in marriage if you wanted, because I did have a plan, which you didn’t believe. You felt I was just stringing you along (also fits with paranoia).
The fact that after years of experiencing it, we would actually joke between ourselves for you to never tell me how “great a father” I was or “how much you loved me” because we BOTH realized that within 24-48 hours of your doing so, I would allegedly do or say something or “have a look” on my face and you would proclaim me some of the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me.
Christmas morning, after giving you two very nice gifts which I thought you would really like and writing you a heart-felt love not, you hugged me, kissed me, and told me how wonderful I was. Within hours, the look on your face had changed and when I asked you what was wrong, you commenced to berate me about my getting you the “wrong” gifts and how much I spent on you being “too much.” You rare accept gifts graciously - especially from me, but from others, too. It is as though you cannot accept the generosity from others because you believe that you aren’t deserving or something.
When I stated that I was not interested in attending the wedding shower for your brother and his fiancee, you immediately launched into a top-of-your-lungs scream session over how wrong I was for not being interested in going to a shower.
Claiming I beat my ex-wife without any honest concept of when and how our relationship deteriorated, and making wild claims about our life together - and also threatening to call her to discuss the matter whenever you are upset with me.
Threatening Behavior:
Not so much physically, but other ways… threatening to leave, threatening to divorce, threatening to take the kids, threatening to sic various family members or me, threatening to run up the credit cards, threatening to take the time to pursue a relationship, including sexual, with somebody else because you “deserve to be happy” - this despite the fact that we’re married.
Irrational Behavior:
An inability to take truly constructive criticism or give credence to any idea or tyring something out on my request, but an expectation that
you can do same without problem.
I can’t recall ever making a parental suggestion or expressing concern over an issue involving the children without your starting a days-long fight. Starting a week-long fight over the fact that I asked for us to try putting a triple dresser in S1’s room and if it really didn’t work, I could remove it.
ANY time I make a suggestion that doesn’t meet with your approval, you toss barbs at me like “oh, and you’re the expert father” and claiming that I have no right because “I don’t spend as much time with them as you do.”
At my request that you take a look at two houses outside of your comfort zone on the possibility that they may strike you as good - you starting a week’s long fight which culminated in your having a meltdown in front of your own mother in which you called me horrible names and again - threatened divorce. All this, despite giving consideration to a great many areas of living that were outside of my comfort zone and within areas that were of interest to you.
After breaking my rear-end to install a fence that you wanted installed right away, it taking me one weekend longer than I anticipated, not one word of appreciation or congratulations on the job I did. Instead, a weekend-long tirade about how “inconsiderate” and “what a fucking cheap asshole” I was for not paying an additional $1,200 or so dollars to have the fence installed by the fence company. Why? Because you had to spend “so much time watching the children” while I broke my back doing good work on something you wanted installed right away.
Despite dozens of requests that you not call me in work to fight on the phone, you repeatedly fail to heed the requests and call me and leave me messages that are almost identical in tone and veracity as those your sister has left with us, and apparently (if the stories are true) - other people.
Your repeatedly claiming that you can’t get a word in edgewise - even in your very letter, despite the fact that - the only time I interrupt you is when you start calling me the filthy, vile names which you are prone to do, and/or you bring into the discussion matters which are not relevant to the situation at hand. If you don’t call me names, point fingers in my face, and at my nose, maintain a reasonable level of volume (not screaming), we can discuss any matter you wish without interruption from me. However, I will always cut you off when you start calling me fucking asshole, impotent fuckers, asshole, fucking faggot and gay, bringing my relationship with my ex-wife into the discussion.
Despite your fear that I may be correct in my beliefs, the parallels are quite close, and in many cases - identical to those we know have such a condition. Combine all of the alleged symptoms with the fact that the condition is genetic, and two of your siblings already have it, the possibility exists that I may be correct. Now, despite your belief that I bring this up maliciously - it is simply not the case. The fact that I love you so very much and am willing to go through these struggles and hope that we can find out if my assessment is true means a lot to ME, if nobody else. The reason I am unwilling to just “walk away” from this marriage is that I think that things can be fixed and you have to dig deep and take the risk of finding out if it is true. If it is, it can be treated and I think would go a long way towards combating all of these symptoms that I believe point to the condition. Together, counseling has never been given a chance, because you just cannot seem to handle the fact that when the counselor intimates something that is not to your liking - you quit. It happened in the fall of 2001. During the spring/summer sessions that we attended together (2 of them) you were all over the place and the counselor suggested you continue to see your counselor and we would come back together, which never occurred. We’ve never had any appreciable, constructive time TOGETHER in counseling for you to base your claim of “it hasn’t worked.”
Christmas Presents Specifically:
It was a mess because you couldn’t control your anger. Your belief that you were getting the ring is patently false, because we discussed the fact that you threw out the Macy’s circular and I was unwilling to take a guess as to which ring it was and that I was definitely NOT getting it for your for Christmas. You knew this two weeks in advance, and we discussed getting it for you for Valentine’s Day so that you could show me exactly what you wanted. Why? Because I know that if I got the wrong one (as we’ve previously experienced with both the engagement ring and the anniversary band) if it wasn’t the right time or the right one - you would have started another war over it. Any claim to the contrary by you is simply a false one.
As for the gifts I did get you - #1 The [Name Deleted] Gift Pack was STRONGLY recommended by your sister as “I must get this” for you. She made no bones about how much you allegedly loved it. Obviously, her recollection was incorrect. However, I make no apologies for the effort. I believed I had it on good authority and it was a worthwhile gift. That said, instead of graciously acknowledging the effort and telling me I was wrong, you started a fight.
#2 - The gift certificate to the salon was based upon our incessant complaining through the fall about things like “not being able to get your hair done” and “how much you would like to occasionally get your nails done’ and on others informing about how much you would like to “get a massage.” Based on those experiences, the gift certificate covered any combination of several of those options which you have previously “wished” you could get done. Then, you come up with an excuse to fight about that one claiming that you “don’t feel comfortable” amongst the upscale clientele, and that I was wrong to get you that, again - instead of graciously saying “thanks but no thanks” like reasonable gift-receivers do. You again opted to start a fight and effectively destroy our holidays again. I make no apologies for the logic behind getting you the gift.
#3 - As for the “amount of money I spent” - your claim that you wanted the rings means that I spent exactly $40 more than it would have cost me for the ring when you factor in the tax. So, despite your claim to the contrary, it simply isn’t the case and I cannot conceive of a reason for you to act as ungrateful as you did on this or any other gift-giving occasion where I am concerned.
#4 - Considering how much you were able to spend on all of your recipients for Christmas, your questioning my expenditures for you is unfair. You got to spend with little or no question, just asking that you be cautious because things would be “close” this month. I never, ever said that we weren’t going to be able to pay the mortgage in January. I simply stated that we must be cautious about what we spend to ensure that would could pay the mortgage. Including the few hundred I spent on you, we did perfectly and were able to pay the mortgage. Again, your recollection of events is false. In fact, I used up our entire PayPal reserve to ensure that you wouldn’t feel like you slighted any of your gift recipients. I never said word-on about what you spent, on whom it was spent, or why it was spent. A consideration that I never get, not even when the person I buy gifts for is you.
Christmas Day and your brother making fun of S1’s head and ears:
While you and your family continue to harp on the fact that I kindly asked [brother], “Please don’t make fun of my kids” after 5 separate comments about his head and ears, the fact remains that what was wrong occurred when a 30-year old felt compelled to make fun of a 3-year old and now you and your family justify it in any number of ways. I sympathize greatly with what your family has gone through in recent months. I’ve done my part to help whenever I could. However, using that as an excuse to look the other way with regard to what [brothe
r] did on Christmas Day while continuing to claim that I was the one who did wrong is inexcusable. While you continue to preach to the choir about [brother's] love for the kids, how many gifts he gives them, how much time he spends with them, and how he plays with him - doesn’t change the fact that he said what he said on Christmas Day, and I kindly asked him not to do it. There is no question in my mind regarding [brother's] love for the children. I never believed that he said what he said to be malicious. the PROBLEM is that he, and others, think it is “funny” to call children names. S1 is 3-years old. I don’t care what you believe S1 believed about the making fun of his head and ears. It is inappropriate under any circumstances and your family (mostly your father and PP) have been doing it for the better part of three years, despite your repeated attempts to insist that they stop it. Additionally, your claim (perhaps your brother’s, I don’t know) that he said it once, after S1 hurt his head under the dining room table - is false. What he said under the table was the 5th comment in a span of 5-minutes. 3 about S1s head. 2 about his ears. He did NOT “only make a comment” after S1 hurt his head. That is false and typical of the recollections that are had about past situations that resulted in major fights.
Additionally, no one has stepped up to condemn your repeatedly calling me a “fucking asshole” while raising your voice at me in the kitchen, your sister’s meltdown on me in the kitchen, and your mother saying, “I’m tired of this fucking bullshit” - all while S1 was standing right there. The excuse-making from your side needs to stop. I’ve acknowledged, in the aftermath of the reaction, that I most certainly could have taken your brother aside and addressed it. However, I didn’t and I cannot change the past. I haven’t heard a single word from your side about all of the rather significant inappropriate behavior and language in the aftermath. Very sad. Everyone needs to understand that it is inappropriate to make fun of the children under any circumstances. Instead of directing their anger at me for kindly asking it stop - they should examine why they haven’t acknowledged what happened that day, both with your brother’s words, and yours, your sister’s, and your mother’s inappropriate language and outbursts in the aftermath.
Nope - all you and yours are going to do is stomp their feet about how “inappropriate” it allegedly was to kindly ask your brother not to make fun of S1, which is the real tragedy from Christmas Day. Stop hiding behind your family’s trials and tribulation as justification for what happened on Christmas Day.
As for “smoothing things over with your family” - you are going to need to tell me exactly what that means. With exception to whatever things you have told them, all I did was kindly ask your brother to stop making fun of the children. I’ll apologize for not taking [brother] aside to address it on the following conditions - and it means your family “smoothing things over with me” -
#1 - I get apologies directly from your father for all of the inappropriate things he has done, said, and taught S1 over the years, including: “cuckoo I’m a shitbird,” how to choke other people, various curse words, calling your mother an asshole twice in the kitchen when S1 was standing there, the inappropriate behavior and language he exhibited in his drunken state down the seashore, and the other little methods of torment he carries out on him… the list goes on.
#2 - Your sister calling S1 names like psycho, serial killer, crazy… for slapping S1 so hard on 12/23/01 he left a handprint on his face, and any other inappropriate things she has done in the company of the kids. Your sister should count her blessings I didn’t press charges.
#3 - Your brother apologizes to me for making fun of S1 on Christmas Day.
I assure you that the “smoothing over” is deserved in both directions and I’ll not comment on whose behavior has been more egregioiusly inapproriate since the children have been born. The evidence speaks for itself.
If [brother] is upset - he should be man enough to pick up the phone and explain to me whe he has a right to be “so upset” with my asking him not to make fun of the kids.
If [your other brother] is upset - same story.
Your mom - same story.
Your dad - same story.
Then, we can all lay it out on the table with each other and start from scratch with a very clear understanding of what is expected from each other. Only when that happens will I apologize for allegedly “ruining” your family’s Christmas Day for asking [brother] not to make fun of the kids at the point in time that he was doing it.
As for my family - I don’t let them get away with anything when I see it happen. Stop excuse-making and justifying your position with regard to Christmas Day by saying that you “let my family slide many times.” Why? You have always had my 100% backing and support to address any situation that arises as i happens. I should hope that you would do it as nicely as I did with your brother on Christmas Day. Also, if you “let my family slide” when they do something wrong to the children, you are not only doing me a disservice, you are doing the children a disservice by not asking them to stop it. Don’t act like you are doing me or anybody a favor by allegedly “letting them slide.” Again, you are trying to excuse what [brother] said on Christmas with something that is, as usual, not germane to the issue at hand.
As for how I think we can work it out - we must go to a doctor and go together. And, we must stick it out even if what we hear is difficult to accept. Together is the only way to go to ensure that each of us is being honest with the doctor and getting this mess sorted out. As for my nickel assessment of your menal state, I’ve reason to believe what I believe. I’ve stated so with a great deal of thought and with the intent to find out if it is true and see ourselves through if it proves to be true. I’ve never said you were psychotic as you stated in the letter. I don’t think that. I think that there is something seriously wrong which needs to be addressed. As difficult as that is to accept from your husband, the fact remains that for the sake of our marriage and the sake of our children, we should be determined to find out why you can’t deal appropriately with little disagreements and all of the other issues that I believe point to something more serious than “LM is a big asshole, a lousy husband” and all of the other things that you call me. It isn’t right. It isn’t normal. It is something that needs to be addressed.
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A whole buncha’more wasted words.
