The Psycho Ex Wife

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I suppose it’s a good time to offer a completely unbiased (yeah, right) mini-biography of sorts for myself. At the same time, I can offer a bit of background of the early stages of this disaster prior to rolling out some of the earliest documented battles I had saved.

I had a pretty great childhood with my parents and brothers. My parents divorced when I was in my teens. Having four boys fairly close in age, I often wondered how we didn’t drive them completely insane. Both of my parents were loving and sacrificed a lot to do the best that they could for us and, despite us all having our own little idiosyncrasies, we’ve all grown up fairly successful, have families, and have our relationships with a few exceptions that are still ongoing.

In terms of having a relationship, I have always thought of myself as fairly romantic when times, finances, and circumstances dictated. I was a faithful, loving husband - several times now. (That’s self-deprecating humor.)

I first married relatively young (23), to a “high school sweetheart” so-to-speak. We dated for 6-years. We were married for 3-years before that went ka-put in 1995. There were some problems that manifested themselves right before the actual marriage, but at that point, I thought I could get over them and we were so far into the marriage preparations that I didn’t have the guts to call it off. Once married, things were okay, but between some substance abuse issues on her part that couldn’t (or wouldn’t) be overcome, combined with me getting greater responsibilities on the career front, it wasn’t long before we were headed in completely opposite directions and it ultimately ended in divorce. It was relatively quick and mostly painless and strangely enough - I haven’t seen her since the day she came to my lawyer’s office, signed the papers, took her check from me, and departed. Neither her nor any family member have I encountered anywhere despite living fairly close in the same general area for several years afterwards.

During our separation, as we awaited the final divorce decree to come through, I became enamored with a co-worker - PEW, and that developed into the disaster relationship that unfolds before you. I have previously posted about some of the “red flags” that I had ignored and repeatedly made mistake after mistake after mistake for the next 10-years (8 of those married). A smarter re-bachelor would have taken some time to himself, especially owning a single family home with many great friends and family members. Alas, it was not to be.

I was a different person then. I suppose I was so used to being in a relationship for so long that I felt most comfortable there and, obviously, ventured too quickly into the next one, and worse - wasn’t smart enough to keep it “at arm’s length” - especially with the red flags getting jammed up my ass every couple of weeks.

The short version of the early years goes something like this:

- Late 1994, do some casual dating.
- Early 1995, get serious.
- March of 1995, allow her to move in with me.
- Mid-1996, get engaged.
- Late 1996, get married.
- Late 1998, first child.
- Early 2001, second child.
- Early 2004, she leaves and files for divorce.
- Early 2005, divorce decree finalized after several lawyer mistakes with the filing.
- (Note: August 2004, I meet DW and we start a relationship, long-distance at first, which grows after the New Year in 2005.)

All along that timeline - hell on earth. And I took it. I’d venture to say that during that 8-year stretch, she walked out on me no fewer than two-dozen times and threatened to so many more times than that. It got so ridiculous after the first few times and I didn’t even care if she left. She was always coming back and I made no effort to beg, cajole, whine, or do anything to compel her to return. It was just a drama game to her.

Introducing THE HELL CATALOG! This is just a partial compilation of stuff that I had printed for custody evaluations, evidence, court, conferences, etc. This is not all-inclusive, believe it or not.

One thing did change for me, though. After having a child and knowing how fathers typically get treated in the Divorce & Custody machine, starting about 1999/2000 - I decided to start saving just about everything. Instant messages, emails, handwritten messages - every fucking nastygram she sent my way became another page in my “Hell Catalog.” (It’s something I recommend for anyone who serious thinks that their marriage isn’t going to make it, particularly if you’re in an abusive relationship - just be very careful how you do it and where you store it.)

Why?

I had a child by then. The threats of divorce and the leaving (and returning) were occurring on a more frequent basis. Further… very few people outside of the household really truly knew the evil I was living with. Having had to overcome, during the demise of my first marriage, the stigma associated with all of the questions “why” from everyone - because my first wife and I had the appearance of the “perfect marriage” to outsiders - I wasn’t going to allow that to happen again. That experience was really my main motivation. While the first marriage ended for vastly different reasons, no one could believe that it was ending. No one could believe what actually happened. As a father in the Divorce & Custody machine - without any evidence, my chances of having meaningful time with the children was probably nil. With evidence, it wasn’t going to be much better, but it would be better than nothing. At least I would be able to substantiate my claims with evidence, for whatever good it might do.

Well, I knew no one was going to believe what I was living, my own personal hell with PEW. Assuming that the marriage could end at any time - I was going to make it very easy to show outsiders exactly what life in that house was like and PEW was going to provide me all of the evidence to convince people of that reality. It is, of course, one of the abilities of the person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. They have a public personna which is typically the polar opposite of the private personna. They have a knack for maintaining that public/private split with uncanny success.

We had been to countless counselors. Hell, we even had pre-marital counseling and no fewer than 4 separate times with marital counselors over the course of the relationship. She quit every single time the moment a counselor intimated that she had some issues that she needed to address. One thing was for certain, I wasn’t going to end the marriage. I loved my children. Managing my private hell was worth it to have my everydays with them. I told myself that I was going to stick it out until the children were grown. Looking back on it now, I didn’t do myself or them any favors. Staying as long as I did and continuing to make the mistakes I did only did her favors. However, I can’t change that now. I can only do my best to manage the aftermath.

So it was at the end of 1999 and beginning of 2000, I began to save everything. I even told her I was doing that. I even told her why I was doing that. Still, it didn’t stop her viperous mouth and vicious efforts to verbally and psychologically tear me down when the wind blew in a direction she didn’t like.

Admittedly, when put on the defensive, I tended to get loud. I didn’t get physical. When attacked, though, I could shout with the best of them. She didn’t like
that. It never stopped her from calling me some of the nastiest things a person could call someone. She could do that (in her view), but I couldn’t yell in the face of the attacks. You’ll even see some of that debate in many of the battles. For the most part, in counseling, I managed to get around getting all worked up by her confrontations. I learned to leave and go for a drive or a walk when things got out of control with her. I still engaged at times, but when they escalated - I walked. For a little while, again at a counselor’s recommendation, we hashed out our issues in writing. Not that it mattered, but at least I wasn’t shouting. You can’t shout on paper. However, you could still insult me, my family, my friends, and be the basic hateful evil bitch you want to be on paper.

Now, I dedicate my life to maintaining my relationship with my children, continuing to grow and cultivate my relationship with DW and her children, and survive each and every legal attack (and others) that PEW throws our way. My ultimate hope is that PEW continues to falter to the point where she loses or gives up my children to me so that I can show them how a normal, loving relationship and upbringing is supposed to be. In the meantime, we’ll take our 50% and do the best we can with it.