The Psycho Ex Wife

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A recent letter from a reader…

Mister-M,

My husband just called me and directed me to check out your website…..thank you for the validation!!!!!! I’ve been saying for two long years that his ex is borderline pd, based on the bizarre interactions that have occurred, parental alienation, accusations far from the truth even when the documents state the facts, last minute disruptive changes, pressing toxic lies into the children’s brains it goes on and on.

In our case, she was escalating several days ago and I told my husband that it was going to get worse. Sure enough it did, she arrived at our home unannounced and uninvited (she has been clearly told she is not welcome here ever) with the children in her backseat, stomped over that boundary (do BPD’s ever understand boundaries?). The culmination of it all was me finally (stupidly and tragically) stepping out of the house with the phone in hand telling her to get in her car (she was going at my husband) and go away as the children were upset and she needed to leave immediately….words were exchanged (I know better than to engage, stupid me) she ended up hitting me in the face and when I dialed 911 she took the phone from my hand and threw it across the front lawn…thank goodness my son had the presence of mind from inside the house to get his cell phone and dial 911…..once she knew the police were coming she spewed more [obscenities] got in her car and drove away quite quickly.

The issue that sits heavily now is what to do in regards to the children (4 and 5) who witnessed an ugly situation. In my experience, if one backs down to any sort of personality disorder they will keep pushing the limits. I am truly vacillating over pressing the assault charges, the case sits opened at our local police station and I need to make a decision over setting a wall in the sand (forget the line in the sand we need a wall) and dealing with the fall out. This is a woman who has in the past lied to child protective services with false charges (case dismissed, caseworker irritated that her time got wasted on something so bizarrely untrue), has made false reports to the friend of the court, has lied in federal court (it’s documented and online) and ultimately will stop at nothing to get her way.

Split parenting is not working, she of course has a great job and looks like a model citizen which seems to be the norm for people with BPD, we have worked diligently to provide a healthy consistent environment for when the kids are here, though unfortunately are unsure on how to deal with precedent set in regards to parenting time and are wondering how to get a psych-eval ordered for her (though as we all know BPD goes undetected quite often, they’re sly folks). So here we sit waiting to see what lies she will report to which agency.

People don’t understand the disorder until they have lived through the hell of dealing with someone who acts in bizarre ways, gets away with terrorizing anyone who will not comply or provide “supply” and still manages to look “normal” on the surface until the mask slips and those people then move out of the picture quickly.

I’ll be studying your website to maintain some levity amidst all the chaos and am hoping we will find out better ways to shelter ourselves and find the best way to keep those young children as healthy as possible…..

Once again, thank you for putting your stories out there they are a definite asset to the rest of the population that deal with a similar situation.

Peace and Harmony to you and yours,
JC

My suggestions to her were as follows…

Dear JC,

I implore you to follow-thru on the assault charges and DO NOT relent. It’s no guarantee of a future change in custody, but her penchant for violence IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN - SHOULD weigh huge in a custody hearing.

Me… I’d be filing the assault charges and seeing it through to a conviction, and I be be filing for a permanent change in custody and requesting sole legal and physical custody of the children as a result of her escalating behavior.

Sincerely,
Mister-M

———–

More READER’S STORIES…

Well, the Psycho-SIL will have to testify eventually.  She’ll probably lie through her teeth, but I loaded enough stuff into this one to make sure she has to at least make an effort to substantiate her claims of rent payments to PEW.  Further, I have asked her to provide appropriate documentation to demonstrate that she is moving out when she claims to be (rental agreements, new address, etc.).

The past two subpoena efforts were an unfortunate matter of poor timing, though they would never believe that.  I had her served the day before each “event” because that was the day-of or day-after conferencing with my attorney.  With a new hearing date in August, I figured that they might be expecting that I was doing this “last-minute” thing on purpose, so I advised my server-person to make a point of doing it right away to avoid any 11th-hour dodging on the part of Aunt DUI.  He did just that and it apparently provoked PEW to write me… twice.

LM,

Why are you continually sending subpoenas to my sister? She is moving out July 1st thanks to you!! What exactly are you trying to do? If her banks statements are relavant then so are DW’s bank statements. I hope you are checking with your attorney before you are firing off these subpoenas. All the years you have known Psycho-SIL….has she ever been overflowing with money??? what are you expecting to find? do you seriously think she has paid more than what I’ve shown at the conferences? If anything it’s LESS and I will show that on Aug. 7th. I do not know why you are even messing with the meager child support you currently pay….what is your problem?? you are either really stupid or really CRAZY. You are jeapardizing my job….you are harrassing my sister…..WHY? Get a job.

~PEW

Well, DW’s bank statements won’t be relevant because she doesn’t pay me rent, which is why Aunt DUI’s bank statements are relevant.  Yes, I seriously think that she’s paid more than the approximately $265/month they’re both claiming to have been paying.  Mostly, that is due to at least 2 prior instances where PEW said “$600/month” and part of the reason we came to an agreement prior to the last child support hearing in the Fall of 2007.  As for her “overflowing with money” comment, I submit the entire email from 2005 (Threats from Psycho-SIL), from which comes the following excerpt comes (written to me by Aunt DUI)…

….I finally settled my lawsuit on Monday. Suffice to say that with pain & suffering, after my attorneys fees have been taken out, I won’t have to worry about money for the rest of my life….

So, my answer to PEW would be an unequivocal, “YES, I sure do.” Do I really believe that Aunt DUI is rich beyond her wildest dreams?  No, I don’t, but that’s what she has presented in her email.  Aunt DUI isn’t moving out because of me, she is moving out so as to assist PEW in her hiding the rental income and avoid having it be part of the child support order.  Of course, this time, I will do what is necessary to ensure that she stays out of the house and not move back in once the child support order is set.

Her first email (to which I didn’t respond) was followed by a second one… not an unusual occurrence…

LM,

I haven’t inconvenienced your family and friends AT ALL in the past 5 years….you have caused so many problems for the people close to me. I am calling [my attorney] on monday, my sister is so upset. You’re going to see how embarassing and hurtful it is when you’re loved ones are dragged into a hearing that has NOTHING to do with them. Make sure [your brother] and DW and your landlord etc….are ALL available all day on Aug. 7th ok?? We’re gonna have a big party up at the courthouse.

~PEW

More delusional thinking if she believes that her antics over the course of the last 5-years haven’t inconvenienced my friends and family.  If her sick, substance-abusing sister weren’t such a huge part of the children’s daily lives… if she didn’t live with PEW… if she didn’t periodically inject herself into our proceedings… if it wasn’t RELEVANT… she wouldn’t be receiving subpoenas from me.  My subpoena is rooted in issues that are directly relevant to the matter at hand. If she wants to spend money on subpoenas for people who have no direct relevance to the matter at hand, that’s her problem and unnecessary expense. It wouldn’t be the first time she would incur lots of legal expenses over nothing.

I think that PEW is afraid that she’ll be really exposed (again).  I think Aunt DUI is afraid that she’ll also be exposed (again).

My purposes are quite simple:

• Show the court that PEW is a deliberate liar, income hider, false swearer to the court (again).  This isn’t about the money because the actual “take” I could obtain, even at the $600/month figure, is small.
• Establish a pattern of behavior that dates back to 2005 with Aunt DUI moving out in advance of a child support order… and then moving back in after the order is in place… thereby forcing me to let it go or engage in additional expense to pursue it.
• Get Psycho-SIL out of the house and make it permanent.  And if this exercise doesn’t do it, then I’ll be left with no choice but to move to modify the custody agreement to give me custody of the children or to prohibit Aunt DUI from living with the children, babysitting the children, driving the children anywhere no matter who is in the car… anything.  Her untreated bi-polar disorder combined with her ongoing substance abuse problems make her a clear and present danger to the children (and the rest of the general public).

THE CONCLUSION continuing from Part 6, mercifully.  To close out this series that sets the stage for what would be an extremely difficult summer of 2005… are 3 email exchanges that finish up the series of emails that went back-and-forth over the course of 5 days.  We close out rather anti-climactically, with her repeating her same old mindless lies and my repeating my same old mindless truths.

PEW:

Listen, you had almost 50/50 custody of the kids. Then you left town. Please stop saying that I am trying to prevent you from spending meaningful time with them. You did that all by yourself.

LM:

Again with the fictional account of reality. Firstly, I didn’t have “almost 50/50.” You and your attorney saw to that when you amended our agreement after we reached one that was truly 50/50. After you got done chopping out my “every other Monday” and refusing to allow extra weekdays - it was more like 65/35, which was advantageous to you because then you marched right out and filed a petition to modify the support order to increase your stipend (after saying you weren’t) because again, that’s more important than time with the boys. I won’t even start with your repeated threats and hanging Sonya’s recommendation over my head, which - I remind you yet again, recommended almost exactly what I am asking for during the Summer - a reversal of primary. Try not to forget that. Even Sonya’s report, which you like to throw in my face - recognized the importance of appropriately significant time with the boys. However, your uncanny ability to ignore that reality would mean you would have to admit to yourself that what I ask for IS in the best interests of the children - Sonya’s recommendation reflected that and I am hoping that Gloria’s report also reflects the sentiment she offered during our sessions about that importance.

Also - and I will continue to reiterate this - with few exceptions, the situation would be very close to the same whether I lived in [any of several surrounding communities] or [home-state]. You would have primary time during the school year and I would probably be having to fight with you just the same for primary during the Summer. Stop trying to portray the relocation to [home-state] as being “the only” reason that the situation is what it is. It’s not the reality, as usual.

PEW:

I truly think you’re losing it when I read your emails. That is why I am not going to comment further because I think you are having a nervous breakdown or something.

LM:

Don’t count on it, PEW.

PEW:

Like I said, you will get to spend a good amount of time with the boys over the summer and throughout the year. You’ll get extended weekends and christmas vacation etc…. That’s the best I can do.

LM:

It’s not the “best you can do.” It’s all you’re willing to do because all you care about is you.

PEW:

I have to take the car in for service and new tires, once I do that maybe I’ll start meeting you halfway.

LM:

I won’t hold my breath. Apparently, the car is reliable for EVERYTHING ELSE in your life except the “safety of the children” during their treks to [home-state] that you so often pontificate about but actually do nothing to mitigate. One can hope, though.

That’s the end of the first of three emails that will bring this segment of my disaster to a conclusion. More scatterbrained topics, historical re-writes, and mindless drivel from the both of us.

Continue Reading…

By the time I had conferenced with my attorney, got to the court building, the two attorneys meet and fail within 1-hour’s time (a record, based upon my instructions to D-Mac), conferencing with my attorney post-conference, and running some legal errands to save some money… I was ready to go to bed.  It was 1:00PM.

Some pre-notes for those of you with comments in the latest “You’ve Been Served” post…

• Aunty DUI failed to appear.  Dunno if there is anything we can do about it, but it will be interesting come hearing time.  So, whoever was on the “no-show” side of that bet - you win!
• I received no email, text, nor call from PEW or even Aunty DUI looking for an “appearance fee.”  If you were on the “contact” side of that bet - you lose!
• Aunty DUI was, of course, bullshitting.  Her car was there when I dropped the boys off at 5:30PM (after I took them to an orthodontist appointment that PEW was supposed to take them to, given only a few hours notice).  Her car was there when I drove by on my way to pick up my receipt-of-service from GSG at 9:30PM.
• You’ll recall back in the Conference/Hearing posts of May, they claimed that Aunty DUI was “moving out on June 1st.”  As predicted, since the hearing and order for support wasn’t addressed, she didn’t move out.  At today’s conference, they claimed that Aunty DUI is “moving out on July 1st.”  How ridiculous.  They really believe that after all these years and doing the “move-out/move-in” to dodge having her rent included in her income (can you say… HIDING INCOME?!?!?!) - that we’re going to allow that to take place a 4th time.  She’ll be out one way or the other, I guarantee you that.

Keeping a long story significantly shorter, because there is only so much detail I’m willing to divulge at this point - my main instruction to D-Mac was, “Please don’t prolong the agony when they call you two attorneys in.  Whether she is represented or not, the instant it becomes clear that they’re not willing to settle, STOP.  They’re not going to settle.” I think that they were in conference for approximately 47-minutes.

D-Mac had a lot to say about Bulldog, much of it the same as when I spoke about her earlier.  She was rude.  She interrupted incessantly.  She constantly referred to D-Mac as “counselor” rather than her first name, which she graciously offered at the outset with a handshake.  D-Mac’s main observation was that she was trying TOO hard to be aggressive and combative as if it were a front.  She added that during the very few times that she wasn’t talking or interrupting, she would be humming annoyingly and fidgeting and surmised that she is fronting insecurity and she’s not really comfortable acting like an asshole (expletive mine, not D-Mac’s, she doesn’t use vulgar language).

Bottom line?  Like the two high-priced attorneys who failed before her, Bulldog is asking for the world (and promising PEW a win) as well as attorneys fees.   Attorneys fees are something PEW has asked for with nearly every single petition since the inception of this mess and she hasn’t gotten 1-penny in any of those instances.  Let’s pray that this isn’t going to be her first time.

D-Mac tried, in good faith, to make a settlement.  Bulldog never had any intention of doing so.  Simply put, we were going to agree to the increase through an appropriate date and then revisit a change at that specified date to see if the child support order needed to be changed… with PEW paying me or, if I manage to find employment between now and then, at an appropriate level according to guidelines.

Bulldog refused.  End of discussion.

So now, with nothing to lose, we have three options/outcomes.

1. Best scenario.
2. Okay, but appropriate scenario.
3. Suckiest of the three scenarios.

For what I hope are obvious reason, I cannot discuss them in detail.  Suffices to say, “BEST” is minimal exposure.  “OKAY” is fair exposure for all parties.  “SUCK” is if the court decides to screw you over and benefit mommy to the maximum allowable “discretionary” extent.

The hearing is scheduled for August 7th, 2009.  See how painfully slow the process is for a person needing a downward modification for child support in an unexpected job loss situation?  And costly?

• I cost myself (potentially) dearly by filing for the modification immediately.  I should have simply waited until the severance/vacation had been exhausted (in terms of calendar)… 13-weeks later.
• The hard lesson learned?  Next time, I pay D-Mac for a consultation and advice, a mistake I simply shouldn’t have made.  A few hundred dollars in consultation back in March would have saved our household potentially a few thousand.  Now, between legal fees and possible exposure, this mess will cost us no less than $5,000 because my choice to do the “right thing” was not really the right thing.  $5,000 that I don’t have and our household desperately needs.
• I will be asking for reimbursement of legal fees and am unlikely to get it.  Grounds?  We made a good faith effort to settle the matter today and Bulldog chose to litigate.  We ran the 3 conceivable scenarios, 2 of which substantially benefit the PEW.  We offered one of those scenarios.  They said no.

DW always refers to just how stupid the PEW and her family are.  She’s finally gotten around to stopping herself from saying “…and you married her!” Of course, I still hear that, but we’re well over that.

Let’s take a look at a few stupid things:

1. Dodging the rental income.  PEW is stupid.  In an effort to dodge reporting that income for the CS calculation, she is willing to sacrifice $600/month to save what will amount to an impact of approximately $25.  Not the brightest bulb in the box.
2. In doing #1, she is subjecting herself (however hard as it may seem to believe) to potential sanctions, not only from this court, but from the IRS.  If she claims that Psycho-SIL has moved out (again) and she moves back in, I will immediately file a contempt-of-court motion.  Not the brightest bulb in the box.
3. Assuming it’s costing her at least as much as me to pursue litigation and knowing what my worst-case exposure number is, she will pay somewhere north of $5,000 and will obtain about what we offered (the REAL number, not a lesser number, this is a guideline figure) of about $2,000.  Net gain:  -$3,000.  That’s NEGATIVE $3,000.  Not the brightest bulb in the box.

But, if you’ve read the painstaking detail I’ve provided, you already know that this is the same modus operandi she has used in nearly every single financial issue that has come up in our battle.  She has consistently spent more in legal fees than she has received in reward and she is doing it again.  She’s fucking insane.

One final exchange between D-Mac and I:

D-Mac: Bulldog has obviously bought every single story that PEW has told her.  That much is clear.

Mister-M: I know.  Like the two attorneys who failed to come through for her and then realized what a monster she was before quitting or being fired.

D-Mac: Very true.  And sad.

Mister-M: And costly.

D-Mac: Yes.

Mister-M: Well, at least with attorney2, I won’t forget that knowing glance and nod he gave to me before exiting the courtroom that last day we saw him on the custody matter.  He knew he got sandbagged by  her lies.

D-Mac: OH, YES!  I saw that!  I remember that.

Mister-M: Good, it helps me to know I wasn’t hallucinating after his efforts to question me.

Small consolation.

In late May, Mr. M. announced that I would begin submitting articles to help you understand and cope with your ex-partner who may have borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). (One in four individuals with BPD also has NPD.) I meant to make my first post before now, but better late than never.

I thought I would begin by disclosing that I’ve been in the role as the supporter of a man who sought visitation of an 11-year-old child, which was opposed by her mildly borderline mother. Like many supporters, I got very triggered and emotionally involved. It was the worse year of my life (not counting four years of high school, but that’s another story.)

Luckily, the dispute was resolved in my friend’s favor. I thought the rest of the years until she turned 18 would be a nightmare. But luckily, the mother realized that the oceans would not swallow up the earth should my friend be awarded visitation. In fact, she learned she got some time off. Today, the daughter is thirty-something and has a healthy marriage with a toddler and stepchild. She is happy and healthy, but has never disclosed her own perceptions of that year (I would have killed to know at the time) but I know much better than to ask.

I have many ideas about future postings, starting with the basics of BPD and NPD (because the two are so closely aligned). Today, I thought I would start briefly with a mantra you can all tell yourselves: It’s not that your own BPD PEW person WON”T act reasonably. It’s that he or she CAN’T. There is an enormous difference between WON’T and CAN’T. We will talk more about that later.

I am interested in knowing what you would like to hear about. Please drop me an email. I can’t address your specific problem (sorry) but I can talk about general issues.

Warmly,

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

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