The Psycho Ex Wife

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The conclusion of this story wraps up what was started in Orthodontist Braces Update - 2009 Edition.  Not unlike so many of our other issues, this one is protracted.  So, the related events in 2009 pre-dated my 2010 job.  That employment started us on the path to getting S1’s braces taken care of and yet… more bizarre circumstances will occur…

In December, when the final details were hashed out, PEW knew I had gotten a job.  Now, keeping in mind that she was having financial issues of her own, the braces battle had gone into remission.  My new job would change all that.  I had barely gotten through introductions at my new place of employment when I got an email, my first day on the job…

LM,

Waiting to hear on the braces? If I don’t hear back by friday, I’m going to take off one day next week to file the paperwork for a court order. This can’t wait any longer.

~PEW

Are you kidding me? Waiting to hear “back” on the braces? Her last communication, aside from the “fuck you fest” was that she wasn’t pursuing the braces and she couldn’t afford it. Now, she’s “waiting” to hear back from me? Whatever story works on any given day.

I suggested waiting to find out what kind of insurance coverage I would be getting. I suggest this in the interests of not only saving myself money, but saving her money, too. The company is in the process of reworking their insurance and also trying to get it to me ahead of schedule. Worst-case scenario is waiting until April 1st, 2010. We go dormant on this issue (because there were others) again until February 3rd…

LM,

Did you find out if your new insurance has any coverage for orthodontics? we need to get this taken care of

~PEW

I reply with the update…

PEW,

I should know next month what the status of dental insurance will be. Whether it becomes available or not, we should be able to proceed. The company is in the process of securing a dental plan and they “should know” by March 1. If they don’t, they don’t.

~LM

Either way, we were going to move ahead anyway. Most orthos offer fairly decent payment plans for their fairly expensive procedures and I was working again.

LM,

we’re not waiting another month for something that is just a “possibility”. I was told to shop the price around because [Ortho1] said $5k and [Ortho2] said $7k and some people in work are saying that’s way too much. I’ll let you know what I find out.

~PEW

Remind me to someday thank PEW for letting me know who the mystery orthodontist was. I was able to call and confirm that he had seen S1 and his conclusions were the same as [Ortho1], however he said it really wasn’t a formal consultation. I would ultimately schedule one with [Ortho2].

More of PEW’s genius at work. Again, this wasn’t an emergency. If dental insurance was on the docket, the savings would probably start at $1,000 and end up maybe being more. Given the fact that she has been a financial mess (while being gainfully employed, collecting rent from her sister, and collecting child support), let this be an example of PEW’s financial acumen.

Nevermind that we’re absolutely going to wait because there isn’t much else she can do about it.

PEW,

Yes, we are.

I heard [Ortho1's] $5K price is about the norm from a dentist who highly recommended both him and [Ortho2]. If you find something better, let me know and I’ll run the name past him, too.

I’m very happy with using [Ortho1].

~LM

Drumroll please…
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You’ll recall that there has been much discussion about high-conflict ex-spouses using “braces” (orthodontia, of all things) as a tool to put additional financial pressure on the struggling normal ex-spouse.  Well, it’s time to bring you up to speed on S1’s braces issue - we’re under way!  I haven’t done an update since last August when I posted: The Orthodontist War Heats Up.

In an email where we had to discuss childcare arrangements because summer camp had been completed with a few weeks left to go, she wrote to me:

By the way all of the appointments with the Orthodontist are cancelled including tues. I will take care of that issue.

Yes, she went ahead and made the first 3 appointments unilaterally.  Fortunately, by that time, I had called and explained the situation and the orthodontist’s office understood.  They were to call me when ANYTHING changed regarding the children - and so far they have.

Interestingly, they had called me on Monday, 8/24/2009 to remind me about the appointment PEW had scheduled for the 25th.  Imagine their surprise when I told them that PEW emailed me the previous day to tell me she had already canceled the appointments.  She hadn’t.  I think it validated the “difficulties” I had carefully described regarding the situation.  So, I intended to show up for the “re-consult” that was scheduled for PEW (primarily), which also confirms that she has been blathering on about stuff about which she has no clue regarding dentistry, orthodontia, and how it pertains to S1.

On the morning of 8/25/2009, I got a call from them again.  PEW called and canceled all appointments.  They asked me if I wanted to meet with them anyway.  I said, “Yes, I do.” I went to the appointment and the first thing I did was apologize profusely to the office staff who have been dealing with this latest “crisis,” and at the same time, thanked them for their understanding and for calling me when something changed.  I then handed them a letter I drafted and signed that, in effect informed them of the joint-legal custody and joint-decision-making requirements of our custody agreement.  It further instructed them that due to the elective nature of the procedure and my current unemployment situation, no work was authorized without my prior written consent.  You see, back in the late spring or early summer, I floated the idea of moving ahead if PEW was willing to pay for things while I was seeking employment.  She said she would think about it.  Subsequent to that, she said “no.”  I had anticipated being able to find a job before she had paid for half, and even if I didn’t, it was on me to pay for the second half anyway.  How we paid for half didn’t really matter as we were both responsible.  There were a number of ways to arrange things so that we could move ahead sooner rather than later, otherwise, we would have to wait for me to get a job.

Anyway, they understood, accepted it, and filed in S1’s folder right before my eyes.  They added what they said at the initial consultation - “Mister-M, the bottom line is this, no one ever died from having crooked teeth.  When you’re in a better position to take care of this, just know we’ll be ready.  He has time.” Thank you.  My guess - she found another orthodontist to do the work, probably has scheduled appointments and will attempt to do an end-run on me.

Now, bringing things up to speed a little bit more quickly.  While not entirely low-contact, it was an important matter pertaining to the children which required dialogue.  I would love to have gotten S1 started last year.  Had I been working, this would have been a non-issue.

LM,

I’m making an appt today for S1 to get his first round of spacers. I will then submit the bill to [child support enforcement] for your half. You’re too much.

~PEW

I reply:

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A great article (or series) on Fathers and Fatherhood. I’m thrilled to see this myth debunked.  The BBC had undertaken a series about Fatherhood from a “historical, scientific, and literary perspective.” This article is called The Myth of the Tyrannical Dad.

Though I’m sure many of us may have experienced our fair share of harsh punishments and perhaps even heard stories of generations within your own family past, I remember my father as every bit as loving, nurturing, affectionate, and involved in our lives despite working very hard to keep a roof over our heads and providing for us more than just the basics in life.

Further, I remember my grandfather being much the same way and heard wonderful stories about his father before him.

It’s unbelievably amazing how often I hear people talk about how this “actively participating father” is something that really has only turned up over the last few decades while I see very little in the way of proof supporting such an assertion.  It probably comes as no surprise that this mindset is often rooted among female-dominated discussion forums.

In any event, this article is worth a read and the series worthy of more exploration.  There are a lot of falsehoods about fathers and fatherhood that are so firmly entrenched in our society I often wonder how hard the work will be to keep the bullshit-machines from operating so effectively.  Most interesting from the above linked article are the studies dating back 100-years which turn on its head the notion that today’s fathers “…are finally more involved in childcare and child rearing.” They always have been (and we know that not every parent was a good, involved, etc. parent - and it goes with both mothers and fathers alike).

No greater joy have I experienced in life than all of those things I had the good fortune of doing with my children from the moment they were born, including:

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Today’s article is born of a thread started on one of our psycho ex-wife PEW forums.  Our situation is not the only one out there which exists within the framework of having an extremely difficult post-divorce relationship alongside one that is exceedingly amicable.  PEW and I - not so much good.  POE and DW - I literally can’t think of a single thing negative.  Much of what I’ll present from my own perspective as a step-father will touch on the positive experiences that have been a part of my life as a step-father.  DW’s experiences, on the other hand, would be the polar opposite, at least in so far as there are no dealings with PEW.  DW learned early on that any interaction with PEW would result in failure, so it’s just avoided and she serves in the capacity of step-mother without much interaction nor interference from PEW.  That’s the case simply because she just doesn’t allow it given the history.

I’ve spoken before about how the parenting styles of me and DW are almost perfectly in-tune with one another.  This really encompasses every parenting category, interactions with the children on any level, discipline, fun, education, reading - literally every single topic that, as parents, as step-mother, as step-father - you can expect to experience.

Given that the parenting styles of both POE and DW are pretty well in line with one another, it should come as no surprise that POE is extremely supportive of my role in the step-children’s lives.  Contrary to the opinion of some - I am a good parent, I love children, and relish my role as a teacher and guide and all that which is part of that process.  I’ve been supported by POE in the extremely rare case where the children have complained about something that we’ll say… “didn’t go their way.”  The support was without hesitation and decisive.  It sent a strong message to the kids.  To best of my knowledge, I’ve never done anything to draw POE’s ire, well, with the exception of giving the children a ride on the motorcycle with the permission of DW.  POE was less than thrilled with that and imposed a motorcycle ban which has since been 100% honored, over the objections and begging of the kids.

As a step-father, I’m extremely lucky to have a partner like DW and the strength of relationship we enjoy together.  I’m extremely lucky that the step-children have a biological father who is not threatened by my mere existence in their children’s lives.  I know my role.  He knows I know my role.  I will always defer to him and DW when it comes to matters regarding the step-kids.

Bottom line is that for me, my experience as a step-father has proven to be little different than that of a father.  All four kids are great.  The only differences in approach with any of the kids, specifically the step-kids, are matters that are beyond the day-to-day living.  Those are the higher level matters that biological parents discuss and settle.  Even there my input is often requested and considered if appropriate. It’s quite the blessing.

For how it is both like and unlike parenting from DW’s perspective, visit the article: I’m Just a Step-Mother

I know the obvious - that it’s not true of every arrangement and it’s quite likely that every single parenting and step-parenting arrangement has it’s own unique idiosyncrasies.  Some comments on this topic from the forums:

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Another unsurprising story from a reader who declares that he “got the trifecta” with his psycho ex-wife…

Dear LM & DW,

I could have written your website, except my ex-wife not only has been characterized to have BPD [borderline personality disorder], but also sociopath and Narcissistic tendencies as well. I got the trifrecta with her. I have [several] therapists reports stating these disorders and the court just dont care, but God forbid I should leave a hair out of place on my [kids'] head and they are ready to take custody from me.

I have fought 6 yrs for Joint custody, just recently getting it a year ago. I am made out to be this bad guy, who is controlling, abusive, and stalking, and she is so convincing in public. The therapists call it projecting, but that doesn’t help me and my son (S8) and daughter (D13). Can you offer any advice in dealing with her and co-parenting with her? She constantly violates our court adopted Parenting Agreement, withholds information from me, prevents me from talking with my [children], and blocking me from contacting [them]. The child is caught in the middle, and when she cannot get to me doing these things, she then tries to alienate our [kids] from me by bad mouthing me. Its a never ending battle just to get her to abide by our court order. I can file contempt charges, but the courts won’t do anything. I am at my wits end. I have found myself starting to act out of character because she drives me crazy, and then it gets used against me. Her best defense is to be on the offensive, if I accuse her of something, she immediately deflects it by changing the subject and say I am doing something, then I find that I am defending myself. She makes so many allegations with no evidence and I am guilty until proven innocent.

Do you recommend any good books for kids to read, to help them cope with a crazy parent, and also cope with being put in the middle of and used as a weapon by parents?

Will this HELL ever end?

Take care,
With Multiple “D’s”

Multiple D’s - there is a lot to cover here.

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