The Psycho Ex Wife

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I notice one interesting phenomenon when I deal with folks who are going through divorce, or a modification of their existing divorce order, and one of the parties is “psycho”. Now, I put that label in quotes, because there are actually three kinds:

1. The one where both parties are still in the “divorce crazy” phase; and sometimes one is more noticeably in that phase than the other;
2. The one where the party being called “psycho” really is not – it’s merely one more disparaging term used by an exasperated ex-spouse, or their attorney;
3. The one where one of the parties truly is mentally ill, whether actually diagnosed, treated, or not.

In this particular post, I’m going to address that third type.

I’m going to start with my own personal experience. My children’s father was not a high-conflict personality – but he was indeed (diagnosed) mentally ill. His behavior during our marriage became verifiably dangerous, especially toward the children. I, meanwhile, was determined to be the long-suffering stick-together-through-it-all wife… even though my husband was clearly harming our children, and even though he was not receiving the mental health treatment he desperately needed.

Our divorce was inevitable. Also inevitable was my attitude of absolute innocence. The end of our marriage was clearly 100% his fault, if fault could be assigned anywhere at all. Clearly, there was nothing I could do to prevent the downfall of our marriage, and clearly, I was a victim. Of circumstance, of an insidious illness, of my violent husband. And so, as I journeyed through my post-divorce healing period, I saw no reason to stand up and take accountability for my own part in creating the current situation. From where I sat, I had no accountability to take. I hadn’t created this.

And with this mindset, I cheated myself. I robbed myself of valuable growth, I set myself up for repeated relationship failures (can you spell “jerk-magnet”?), and I inadvertently taught my children that it was better to avoid accountability than own up to their behavior.

I have noticed that in my Divorce Coach practice, a good many of my clients are inclined to do this same thing. It becomes very easy to blame the psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband for everything that subsequently goes wrong, without owning your part in the behaviors and the outcomes that result.

For example: do the kids fight? Continue Reading…

Why a Son Needs a Dad (100 Reasons), by Gregory E. Lang, with photographs by Janet Lankford-Moran

This isn’t so much a classical book as it is 100 affirmations for fathers to ponder and even for sons to remember.  It’s a fresh reminder at a time when the divorce rate is simply out of control and fathers are being marginalized in the lives of their children in the aftermath, often against their will and best efforts.

Gregory Lang’s effort reminds us all of the critically important roles fathers play in their sons’ lives at a time when some are glorifying “single motherhood by choice.”  More than that - all of their children’s lives, son or daughter, are so affected by the sentiments that are chronicled in this book.  Sadly, today more than ever, children are being raised in fatherless homes or in custodial situations that relegate fathers to very limited parenting-child interaction by order of family courts.

These thoughts are shown in both simple and more complex issues, for example:

• A son needs a dad who can be playful and silly
• A son needs a dad who can help him face his challenges with confidence
• A son needs a dad to nurture his independence

The formula that Gregory Lang has provided in such a simplistic format is quite powerful.  Even in our busy daily lives, one can expect to sit down with this book, a book that isn’t a very long read, and expect to be left pondering many of the 100 areas that Lang chooses to include in this work.  Maybe we’ll be thinking about our own fathers and grandfathers.  Maybe we’ll be thinking about our children’s futures and how they’ll end up.  They range from items that remind you let your guard down and have some carefree fun with your kids - to the benefits of hard work, doing things on your own with your own two hands, to learning to respect others and ways to gain respect yourself.  It’s a checklist for bringing up boys in the way that will give them all the tools necessary to be bright, smart, caring, loving, and considerate adults and fathers in their own right.  It won’t tell you how to get it done, but it certainly will remind you what needs to get done.

I highly recommend this book for fathers, sons, mothers, and daughters alike.  It’s one that should be sitting out there on the coffee table or on the end of your work desk.  When you need a break from the day-to-day mundane tasks, it’s a perfect distraction that will refresh your mind and leave you with a smile on your face.  The accompanying photography by Janet Lankford-Moran provides a stunning compliment.

What prompted me to write this review was a little reminder of my own.  Continue Reading…

From The Smirking Cat, June 24th, 2008 in Why Talk About It On The Internet?

...it boils down to “It’s OK that I act like a damn freak, but the kids are suffering because you find my actions unacceptable!” Only in an imbalanced mind does that make sense.

Courtesy of “sane1″ - another wonderful contribution from a reader comes this meaningful poem, written in our Fantasy Email Forum - a repository for emails and other messages that will forever remain unsent as the messages would be lost on them anyway (and usually they are a strong vent full of highly inappropriate language even if the underlying message is very important).  It also goes to show that not every “Fantasy Email” vent is a caustic one…

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It really doesn’t seem that so much time has passed since our first date on August 22nd, 2004.  It really doesn’t seem like so much time has passed since I laid my disaster all out for DW and gave her every opportunity to run in the other direction.  As we grew fond of one another, the voices of the doubters rose to a crescendo and have long since faded away.  I’m not sure anyone has ever given us a chance to grow in love and in dedication to each other and our families.  While technically, “till death do us part” is the only official way of ultimately proving to the doubters that we will survive all of this - I truly believe that with all that we’ve been able to overcome in just our measly six years together, we’ve “untechnically” proven that this was no lark.

Continue Reading…